Just from Jen...

Hi all. I was going to post this last night but I didn't and then I felt like I should so I am...

As the dust settles from the whirl-wind of finding out about the accident, waiting for surgery and surgery being done, a lot of new emotions start to surface that didn't have time to pop up before. Things you need to know we are feeling too like anger, disappointment, frustration, loneliness... all of them are okay to have, we'd be crazy people if we didn't have them. Despite a sense of thankfulness that I will never lose for the fact that Robert is even alive, it makes me mad to see him - an awesome young guy in his prime - stuck in a lame hospital bed in intense and constant pain over some accident that never should have happened to anyone, let alone him. Despite a sense of peace, I am restless thinking about him stuck there every night alone and try to convince myself I shouldn't feel guilty for leaving him there but every morning when I wake up I feel like running straight to the hospital just to be around even though we aren't allowed in.

But I know two things. One, that this accident is not part of some big plan God had since the beginning of time but that $*** happens here and God can make something out of it if He wants... and two, that even though I couldn't choose whether or not this happened to Robert, I can choose how I respond. I can run away and just get mad and stay there or I can do the hard work of turning around and facing life and fighting it out with God until He gives me resolution. And according to what I am learning this week, that decision has to be made over and over every day. I have a pretty good feeling that somedays I am just going to choose anger and it's going to feel good to be mad and to blame things and to hold tightly to a sense of the world owing me something. And then God will give me the grace to somehow pull out of that and keep going forward.

There is no easy way to deal with this. Knowing Jesus doesn't make my heart hurt less or my brother's morphine work better. There are no words to make pain better, no actions to make time jump ahead to when recovery is finished, nothing but slowly passing hours that all roll in to this weird jumble. We have no control over anything except our own attitudes and our own response to this whole situation - and even that seems nearly impossible to be good at by the end of the day. I rest right now in one thing only and that is knowing that Jesus hurts with me and that God's heart is broken over Robert's broken body and that's about it.

This is no holy boot camp for a nice Christian family learning about faith, it is a long stupid week with too many hours spent at a hospital visiting someone we love more than we can say and watching them suffer. We hold on tightly to each other and to God for strength and hope with all we have to just make it through the days and somehow be helpful to Robert as he heals.

Thanks for your prayers and words of encouragement - it is good to know we don't walk alone. We need each other - that's why we have this "spiritual" family of physically unrelated people who know and love Jesus.

This is what the church is for.


PS from Chris
Having just read what Jen wrote, I will say that she wrote exactly what is happening in me, and I'm sure in Tom as well. Anything else I could say about how I feel would just be a repeat of what Jen so eloquently expressed, so I'll just leave it at that. But we do thankyou so much for all your support, prayer, and care.